Jun

24

PTSD Series Discussion #4

Filed Under Combat PTSD, Events, Family, PTSD, Tears of a Warrior, War 

 by Janet J. Seahorn

tbi

How can we talk about PTSD as a family?

Gosh, this is a tricky question with an even trickier answer.  As we have discussed in most of the prior questions, the first step is to acknowledge that upon returning from combat things aren’t quite normal.  Become informed about the signs and symptoms of PTSD.  Be honest as much as you can about what each of you is feeling.  As the service person, you don’t have to go into all of the horrible details of your experiences, but you do and will need to discuss the truth that your military life in a combat zone may have been pretty distressing; that what you saw and did was often unsettling. 

As the significant other or spouse, your role initially is to just listen.  Try not to ask too many questions.  Sometimes it may seem you are prying.  Try and wait a bit before going into the details.  But it is crucial, as a family, to talk.  Silence is simply not an option.  It creates distance by making assumptions about behaviors that may not be accurate.

In our book, we describe an incident where a young man who had been in several roadside bombings returned home from Iraq. On a quiet Saturday afternoon, the family decided to take a trip out of town to a favorite shopping center.  It was to be a fun outing of togetherness.  Things were going well until the young family came to bridge where a man waving for help was standing by the roadside next to a car with a flat tire. The wife suggested they stop and help, however, the young serviceperson immediately turned his vehicle around in the middle of the road, angrily stomped on the gas and headed home. Not knowing what was happening, the wife assumed her husband was acting unreasonably. It was a silent ride back to town. The young vet never told his wife what was going on in his mind. Later, during his scheduled visit to his VA counselor he retold the story. He knew his wife and children were upset with him for ruining their fun afternoon. However, what he saw was not an ordinary man with a flat tire needing help. What his mind and body saw and felt was a possible setup for an IED (Improvised Explosive Device). He had seen this many times during his tour of duty in Iraq. He had two thoughts to keep his family out of harms way:  1) He could shoot the “terrorist” standing on the roadside, or 2) He could, without delay, get his family away from the danger zone. Understanding that shooting the “threat” was probably not the best decision, he chose option two. Makes perfect sense, but without talking he went home angry and upset. And his family had no clue as to what had just occurred.

In our book we advise “If you care, you share”. Sharing creates understanding. Understanding generates compassion. And compassion establishes hope and protects the relationship. 

Another word of advice about discussing a concern:  Never try and sit down to talk over an issue when one or both parties are in a full pitch of rage or anger. You can’t stop a charging bear… it is already on a mission to attack. You must wait until tempers are calmer and conditions settle down enough to have a reasonably calm and “adult” discussion. If a blaming game begins, stop immediately. Blaming never solves the problem; it only throws more fuel on a hot fire. Use “I” statements such as, “I start to feel afraid when I see you getting angry and I don’t understand why?” or “It is hard for me to go to family events without you. I miss doing things together and want to know what I can do to make it OK for you to attend some of our family get-togethers.”  

Most of our family conversations, once we began to understand what we were facing, resulted in a compromise that everyone could agree would make the situation better for all involved. We now try not to live on assumptions by doing a reality check with the person. For family events, every person becomes responsible for him or herself. Sometimes my husband chooses downtime away from a houseful of noisy people. He goes to a quiet room to watch TV or read a book while the rest of us play a rowdy game of Pictionary or Shout It Out. This is a Win/Win for everyone and is absolutely acceptable behavior.

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