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Jan
5
CHASE’S LAST ROLL CALL
Filed Under Aging, Dogs, Family, Healing, PTSD, PTSD treatment, Service Dogs, Tears, Tears of a Warrior, Tribute | Comments Off on CHASE’S LAST ROLL CALL
-by Tony & Janet Seahorn
Black Forest Chase: April 23, 1999 – January 4, 2013
Dear Readers, today is an incredible hard day for us. It is a day of celebration, gratitude, patience, letting go, and joy. Today our black lab Chase made his final retrieve. We will miss him dearly. He was our special Wonder Dog and his spirit will remain with us. He loved to fish and bird hunt and guide the raft on its journey downstream. His companionship and love was unconditional and he will never be forgotten. Chase has been our guardian angel calming Tony as he battled with the demons of PTSD. We’ll miss his wonderful presence as we explore new waters and return to familiar haunts. Chase, we know you’ll be happy flushing birds & brookies in the great beyond.
Peace old buddy.
Many will walk in and out of your life, but only a true friend will leave paw prints on your heart. ~Anonymous
My brother, John, sent us this poem earlier this week. I know it will offer us comfort, but for now we must travel the Road of Tears.
In Memory Of A Beloved Friend
Skidboot:
Born in 1992 and passed on in 2007
Touch me with your voice as a puppy young and new,
And let me know my presence is what is pleasing you.
Touch me with your Spirit, for God sent me here to you,
To teach you of that precious bond known only by the choicest few.
Touch me with your hands as I grow tall and strong,
I need you as my mentor throughout my whole life long.
Touch me with your lips, and brush them softly on my brow,
Please kiss away the fears that I am feeling now.
Touch me with your eyes as I become full grown,
To validate unspoken love that we have always known.
Touch me with your heart as our bond keeps growing stronger,
And words need not be used in our language any longer.
Touch me with your breath, so soft and warm upon my face,
As I try to bring you comfort in life’s never ending race.
Touch me with your love when my muzzle turns gray,
I live my life to please you, each and every single day.
Touch me with your scent when age has dimmed my sight,
To reassure me always that you will be my light.
Touch me with your face when your tears are meant for me.
So I may bear your pain and let your heart be free.
Touch me with remembrance when I have traveled on,
And, I will hold your heart in mine forever when I’m gone.
-Credit Skidboot-
Jan
10
THE MAN I DIDN’T KNOW
Filed Under Combat PTSD, Family, PTSD, Tears of a Warrior, The Man I Didn't Know, Veterans, Vietnam Veterans, War | Comments Off on THE MAN I DIDN’T KNOW
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
This is the title of a book sent to us by Marie Leduc, the wife of a Vietnam Veteran who co-wrote it with retired naval aviator, Art Schmitt, Ph.D. Later Art got his degree in psychology. The Man I Didn’t Know: The Stories of Wives and Families of Vietnam Veterans who suffer from “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder”, is a collection of stories and poems written from the perspective of those most directly impacted by combat.
The articles are heartrending and the poetry will literally place you in the hearts and souls of the writers. While reading through the many tales I found several statements pretty sobering and thought provoking. Some statements gave me an unusual viewpoint of war, especially the last few wars we have fought and left without a clear victory. I have included several small snippets of some of these in this blog.
- “The United States did not lose the war in Vietnam, the South Vietnamese did. The last American troops left Vietnam on March 29, 1973, (however, the last flight out wasn’t until 1975). We did not lose the war… we stopped fighting” (p. 16). Recently, December 15, 2011 we raised the last American flag as we leftIraq. I wondered if years down the road we will describe this last conflict in a similar manner.
- “There are two kinds of PTSD… acute, which is treatable, and Chronic, which is manageable”. More Vietnam veterans, per capita, suffer from chronic PTSD than from any other war. The reasons for this is unknown, but it may be that it was an unpopular war and the veterans were not welcomed home” (p. 16).
- In another article, To Answer Your Question, by Ed Ruminski, the veteran is trying to explain to his son what combat was like, how time stopped and actions were both quick and in slow motion. How he had to be “constantly watching, listening to my senses”. In the end he merely states, “They call it war, and to answer your question son, yes, I have killed somebody. What I was unaware of was how by that process I just described, I was also killing myself” (p.19). Sadly, many of our Iraq and Afghanistan troops are returning with parallel sentiments.
These are just a few statements from the book. The various writings describe the wounds of the minds, how scary it can be for a family to negotiate the many behaviors and emotional ups and downs of their beloved warrior, how a mother must learn to cope with the death of her son while visiting the Vietnam Wall to stay connected, and how PTSD affects children when their under developed minds and bodies leave them vulnerable to actions which they may never fully understand. In the end, this last quote by Jacqueline McVicar (p. 85) really says it all.
“His fight was in Vietnam,
Ours is the Vietnam in him.”
Ordering information: ISBN: 1-4196-2452-0 www.booksurge.com 1-866-308-6235
Nov
23
WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS…
Filed Under Christmas, Family, Holiday Season, Tears of a Warrior | Comments Off on WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS…
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
It is time to begin a new Holiday Season. Dang, some stores started playing their carols, displaying Christmas ornaments, and advertising the grandness of spending oneself into shopping debt even before Halloween! I truly expected someone dressed as a reindeer or elf to ring my doorbell for trick or treat.
Now, don’t get me wrong I love Christmas. Really! It is my favorite holiday. Almost everything about it is a special time filled with amazing sights, fragrant smells of evergreen trees, bells, carols, and my list goes on and on. I even enjoy buying a few gifts for family and friends, and I make sure that Tony NEVER accompanies me on these shopping excursions. The Grinch is one of his Christmas heroes which, as you can imagine, puts a huge damper on my jolly shopping expeditions.
Therefore, as we begin this new 2011 Holiday Season, I thought I would put down a few ideas of how to survive the coming days.
- Begin your new Weight Watchers diet. Watch others eat less and lose while you wait and enjoy every morsel of goodies you can grab. As military veterans, you had far too many C-Rations or MREs to endure food rations now.
- Don’t start off on the wrong foot at Thanksgiving, give away leftover turkey and celery to guests, but keep the pumpkin pie at all cost.
- If you have to ask for seconds, you are already sitting at the wrong table.
- If you are the wife of an anti-shopping Grinch, pray for them daily. We’re still a month until Christmas. You can even offer to share your Prozac if they become overly anxious during this joyous (hectic) time of year.
- If you are the Grinch, breath deep, meditate, and appreciate that the Holiday season only comes once a year, even if it seems to be coming earlier each year.
- And, last, if you are worried about excessive shopping and overspending, the banks don’t seem to care if anyone follows a budget anymore, so I’m sure they will extend your credit for say, the next thirty years.
Seriously, I definitely understand the challenges of trying to negotiate the many pitfalls and stimulations of the Holidays and not just for veterans. For many, it is never an easy time of year, which is the reason why I decided to begin this season’s blog with a bit of humor. Some of us are going to need to store up as much hilarity as possible if we are to survive the absurdity ahead.
You see, I am really, really, really trying to stay on Santa’s “Nice” list.
Sep
5
PLUCKING TEARS
Filed Under Family, Healing, Life, Peace, Plucking Tears, Tears of a Warrior | Comments Off on PLUCKING TEARS
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
Plucking Tears is not an easy thing to do, especially when the water works fall faster than you can pluck. Another problem to consider is how do you pluck tears when they are inside your heart and soul? These water drops are harder to access. Many times some do not even recognize they are weeping. The suffering is so silent, so hard to define that outsiders rarely, if ever, observe the sobs.
War is an extreme opportunity to frequently pluck tears. There are tears of grief, tears of sadness, tears of loss, tears of confusion, and the list could go on and on. As soon as you think you are done with the weeping, it returns for another round. It takes an emotionally powerful person to allow tears. Most of us are afraid if we start the crying we may not be able to stop. It is a frightening thought. Yet, whether we allow ourselves to cry openly on the outside, the sobbing will move through our spirits.
I once heard that some wars are GOOD wars. For me, there is no such thing as a good war. There may be “just” wars, but even then this does not make war good. All wars cause a great deal of woundedness. Woundedness for those fighting the battles, and woundedness for anyone close to the combat zone. Communities are devastated by the carnage left behind, families are torn apart, and individuals carry the scars forever. War gives a great many people frequent occasions to Pluck Tears. Wouldn’t it be great if we could get just a bit of peace from the plucking?
Aug
29
STRENGTHENING THE X FACTOR
Filed Under Family, Spouse, Tears of a Warrior | Comments Off on STRENGTHENING THE X FACTOR
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
Last week I was honored by being the keynote speaker for the Women’s Luncheon at the annual Nebraska Vietnam Veteran Reunion. It is an interesting phenomenon, keynotes after eating. Most sane societies have a meal then nap for a bit. Yet, in the western world we seem to think people really want and are capable of listening to anything after ingesting a yummy luncheon. Therefore, the challenge of any meal speaker is to entertain while keeping his/her audience awake; a rather formidable task. Added to this test was the seriousness of my topic… talking about the effects of living with a spouse who is suffering with Post Traumatic Stress. Yikes!
Truthfully, this was a wonderful and unique opportunity to be with a large group of women who have endured decades of family and personal events colored by their loved one’s emotional combat trauma. The last thing I wanted was to have people leave the luncheon with more stress and upset stomachs. All of us have had way too much of these frailties. Consequently, I thought the best speech needed to be short, informative, and delivered with humor and solemnity. So here are just a few of the items I believe may be useful to strengthen the next years of these amazing women’s lives.
When I talk about the “X” Factor, it refers to what makes women, women. It is not a coincidence that women have two legs on their chromosomes to stand on versus a man’s one – “Y”. God knew we would need both legs on the “X” to stabilize us on our unforeseeable, earthly journey. Being wives, mothers, sisters… makes us caregivers and caretakers. Trauma from combat both physical and emotional makes this even more evident. “Whether it is our own mothers who stood by us in long-distance torment as we fought on foreign soil, or the mothers of the dead and wounded here as well as in Iraq and Afghanistan, we recognize that most often, it is the women—- mothers/wives… who are left to care for the broken bodies, souls, and societies left in the wake of war.”
Understanding and identifying our own actions may help protect our sanity and bodily health. Here were a few of the behaviors I asked the women to recognize and acknowledge as they interact with their loved one. Think about which of these four DOINGs you use the most:
Doing To: Blaming and Fault Finding
Doing For: Rescuing, Pampering, Becoming like the Bad Behavior
Doing NIL (nothing): Ignoring, Avoiding, Excluding, Rejecting — fuels emotions of shame in the brain
Doing With: Connecting, Clarifying, Restoring
So which category do you fall in most often? Believe me, the first three are quite easy to live in… The Doing With is much trickier to accomplish especially when you are tired, angry, and dealing with your own pain. For this reason I have adopted a powerful quote from St. Francis de Sales. I carry it in my purse. I have it on my kitchen counter, and I pasted it on my bedroom mirror.
“I made a pact with my tongue to never speak when my heart is in distress.”
Some days I am almost mute trying to practice this suggestion.
Jul
26
PERSONAL FORGIVING
Filed Under Combat PTSD, Family, Giving, Healing, Life, PTSD, Trauma | Comments Off on PERSONAL FORGIVING
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
There is a saying in the bible stating, “Forgive and ye shall be forgiven”. Yet, here’s the dicey part for many of us, some times it is harder to forgive ourselves for things we have and have not done (some of which are more perception than truth) than it is to forgive others.
Military men and women who serve in intense combat zones must learn to identify and face up to their experiences from their emotional position if they are to begin to heal. Putting “these feelings into words or some other symbolic expression”, as Bessel van der Kolk asserts, helps complete the story in a restorative manner. Everyone has things they have done that they wish could be forgotten. The problem occurs when we can’t just forget, or the personal blame continues to grow. The burden gets heavier unless some of the weight is released. We cannot be set free until we understand that we’re not fully responsible for much of the trauma that took place in our lives.
As humans, many of us tend to take too much ownership for circumstances that are far beyond our full control. We simply do the best we can, and sometimes that “best” does not feel good enough. Forgiving ourselves is an important step in the healing process. Without personal forgiveness, we hold too much anger, sadness, and anguish in our minds and bodies. It is little wonder we become emotional and physically drained.
Realistically, I do not condone the open spilling of our feelings. Sometimes when I have been overly urged to do so, I left the exchange even more vulnerable and irritated. And I definitely did not want to be in the presence of that person anytime soon. It is only when we can begin to share with someone who is open to listening and able to keep our words in confidentiality can we feel safe enough to share our story. Trust is crucial. Patience is necessary. Hope for living a better life is essential.
Daniel Siegel writes about the importance of “feeling felt” when sharing emotions. We cannot “feel felt” if, when sharing our stories, we are constantly being interrupted, interrogated for more details, or given advice on how we should or should not have acted or felt. Such disruptions only validate our instincts to suffer in silence. Unfortunately, unspoken suffering only compounds the problem and adds to the burden.
The challenge is finding the right person (or people) at the right time to begin your dialogue. For many of us it may or may not be a close family member or friend. Sometimes talking to a reliable “stranger” can bring clarity to our experience.
Begin to explore who may be your safe sounding board. In doing so, the weight of your story may begin to diminish. You may just realize that carrying this burden is no longer helpful or necessary. Free yourself of the guilt. Free yourself of the pain. Free yourself of a past that can now be accepted, learned from, and honored.
You deserve no less as you live towards that healing place in your mind, heart, and body.
Jun
30
“Remember Me”
Filed Under American Patriotism, Family, Fourth of July, Tears of a Warrior, Troops, Veterans, War | Comments Off on “Remember Me”
May
19
TOUCHED BY COURAGE
Filed Under Brain Injury, Combat PTSD, Events, Family, Giving, Life, Love, PTSD, TBI & PTSD, Tears of a Warrior, Trauma, Veterans, Wisdom | Comments Off on TOUCHED BY COURAGE
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
A few weeks ago, Tony and I spent several days in the Grand Strand area of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.
It was Military Appreciation Week.
Due to the special invitation of Retired Army Officer Sinclair Swan, we had the privilege of working with two local groups of military veterans, their spouses and family members.
During the day we met with several group members and their spouses. It was an amazing opportunity to not just speak to the individuals in attendance, but to listen and hear their stories as well. Each account reminded us of the enormous amount of courage it takes to get up each day, live it as best one can, and give back to others.
Two of the veterans have adult children who experienced traumatic car accidents which left them with severe head injuries. These vets are now the primary care givers. Not only have they endured their own trauma; now they must bear the suffering of their children. Several are challenged by serious health issues for them and/or their spouses.
Yet, they continue with great effort and fortitude to move forward. It is a humbling gift to have others shares their trauma and heartbreaks.
Contrary to some public perspective, most of these vets have lived and are living successful and productive lives. In spite of their demons, they have deliberately chosen to not let the past destroy the future. They have elected to make a difference for themselves, their families, their communities. Sinclair Swan meets every Saturday with vets who need help in filling out government forms to obtain services. Each has made significant contributions to serving others.
One individual wrote a special poem many years ago. Upon returning from Vietnam he described how he became homeless, sleeping in parks, and getting his “fixes” when needed. Then, one day, another homeless friend suggested they go to a church soup kitchen for a meal. It was there that a miracle occurred and his life changed. He got his faith back, his spirit, and eventually his life. At that time he wrote a poem which he has allowed us to share with you.
A Poem
By William Huffaker
If I only had one wish to make,
but that wish would surely come true.
I’d wish that I would be given the light
to turn the darkest sky into blue.
Now to you this may sound
like my mythical dreams
have blurred my vision
so that this only seems
to be an illusion
of hopeful abound,
and that my wish
I’ve not really found.
But I’ve found it I tell you.
As I’ve sought it in truth.
And I know now this answers’
been here since my youth.
But I just couldn’t see
through the clouds in my mind.
Through delusions of grandeur
I just couldn’t find.
This fabulous dream
that just had to be,
waiting and knowing,
someday that I’d see.
And even though skies
still sometimes turn black.
And visions of grandeur
still sometimes come back.
I know that there’s light
in the darkest of night.
And the tenderest loves
never far from my sight.
And now that my dream
has become something true.
If I had one more wish,
I would wish it for you.
Feb
2
A HUMBLED JOY
Filed Under American Patriotism, Civilian life, Combat PTSD, Family, Life, Love, PTSD treatment, Tears of a Warrior, Treating PTSD, War | Comments Off on A HUMBLED JOY
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
They stood before us, this beautiful, young couple. He had just returned home from a tour in Afghanistan, his second time away. They had many things they could have done that would have been much more fun than taking time to visit with us.
She was a student in my fall semester course at the University. At the beginning of the new semester she let me know her husband would be returning home soon and she wanted Tony and me to meet him. Just the request was a humbled joy. Actually meeting them on that cool winter day even meant more.
During our short time together, we did not talk much about his experiences at war except to listen to a few short phrases indicating he had been in some difficult situations.
I didn’t mention that his wife had to take an “Incomplete” for the college course because she became seriously ill and spent several days in the hospital. Somehow, all of this was now unimportant. The only thing we noticed was how the two people standing before us just couldn’t stop smiling and giggling continually as they held hands, grateful to finally be together.
My goodness, this was truly the picture of humbled joy.
That same day we spoke with an army Special Forces warrant officer who was helping to show students on campus the various skills and equipment used in the military. The young man explained that he had been in the army for sixteen years, joining-up right after high school. Honestly, he didn’t look like he was that old; he smiled widely when I shared my observation with him.
He talked about how joining the military at age seventeen was the best thing he has ever done. The army, he noted, gave him direction, guidance, and supported his development as a confident adult. The interesting detail about our conversation was how much I learned in a short time about his confidence as career military person.
At the beginning of our chat I asked how many times he had been overseas; five – six times if you counted a stint in Romania. The duration of each tour was between three and eight months depending on the mission. During several of his assignments he experienced the reality of war, including several casualties within his unit.
Yet, in spite of the stress, he seemed to be coping with the emotional and physical side effects of combat pretty well. It was challenging, he noted, to reintegrate into “normal” life on each return home, but the army gave him plenty of support and time to decompress.
He pointed out that on several occasions he was given a lengthy mental survey of over 115 items which sometimes highlighted his PTSD tendencies. Nevertheless, because he was career army, his adjustment process appeared to be faster and more comprehensive than veterans who left the service shortly after returning from battle. There does seem to be some significant benefits for the men/women who are in the military long term.
Perhaps being in a community of individuals who have experienced similar battle conditions helps the healing and understanding process. Being around other soldiers who can identify with the pain of combat; others who quietly appreciate the sacrifice of serving our country may lessen the feelings of emotional trauma of being alone in a world where most people haven’t experienced war. This, by itself, would be an immense relief because one wouldn’t have to pretend everything is OK when it isn’t. You wouldn’t have to go through each day feeling lost and alone because there would be a band of brothers surrounding you with knowledgeable support. At any rate, this young soldier certainly gave me some things to think about.
Humbled Joy, invisible, yet real. Thank you.
Nov
28
THE JOY CHALLENGE
Filed Under Christmas, Combat PTSD, Family, Joy Challenge, Peace, Tears of a Warrior | Comments Off on THE JOY CHALLENGE
by Janet & Tony Seahorn
It is a bit sad to think of celebrations as a “thing” to “get through”.
Unfortunately, for many people suffering from trauma and loss, that is precisely the case. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with family and friends. Dinner was scrumptious with tasty fares of turkey, dressing, creamy mashed potatoes, and several great desserts. Laughter was abundant.
Yet, for Tony, the noise, the larger number of people – it was only nine of us total – found it still an effort to make it through the day. After dinner, when we all were playing games, he retired to a quieter room to watch football and relax. Our sons would go down to chat, but it wasn’t the same as having him join us in the fun. After everyone left, Tony felt the familiar pangs of sadness and guilt. He wanted so much to spend more time with everyone, but simply could not manage it. Trauma squeezes an excessive sum of happiness from folks. It is the thief who continually keeps on taking and taking and taking. Unlike the Grinch who stole Christmas, this silent bandit never gives anything back.
It is heartbreaking to watch the joy of this beautiful season being weakened by suffering. Therefore, I am sending forth a challenge to each of our readers; a challenge that may take some real effort each day. This may be a test that will demand some thought and determination if it is to be successful. But most of all, this challenge will only be taken on by those who really do want extra joy in their coming days.
For most us when we are feeling a bit down we have to put forth special attempts to look for the joy around us. At other times, usually when things appear to be quite desperate, we will have to create joy. Normally, the only way we are successful in creating joy is do something joyful for someone else.
To begin this challenge, make a list of things that make you happy, a clumsy puppy, your mates smile, a quiet walk along your favorite path… Whatever it is write it down, then paste a copy on your refrigerator and your bathroom mirror – for obvious reasonsJ
Now, for the next four weeks take time each day to achieve at least ONE thing on your list. If you are absent minded like me, put a mark on the calendar that you made your JOY commitment for the day. Look around carefully, where do you notice someone in need of assistance? Perhaps this is your chance to CREATE joy, doing something for someone else. Taking an action that may take a bit of a burden from a family or person in need. Golly, these are acts that a Grinch would detest, because bandits can’t steal what is being given from the heart.
Finally, and I very much hope Tony and I hear from many of you, sometime before Christmas send us a short message to let us know if this challenge made your holiday season a bit better this year.
If you did perform an “act of kindness”, we would love to hear about that too. In our Christmas week blog we will be a sharing the messages we receive. Do something special this season, take this Joy Challenge.
In doing so, remember this quote by Charles D. Gill,
“Believe that you make a difference. There are many wonderful things that will never be done if you do not do them”.
We wish you twenty-five days of amazing goodness. May this season bring you the joy you so richly deserve.
Seasons Greetings