Jul

26

PERSONAL FORGIVING

Filed Under Combat PTSD, Family, Giving, Healing, Life, PTSD, Trauma | Comments Off on PERSONAL FORGIVING

by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D

 sun-ray

There is a saying in the bible stating, “Forgive and ye shall be forgiven”. Yet, here’s the dicey part for many of us, some times it is harder to forgive ourselves for things we have and have not done (some of which are more perception than truth) than it is to forgive others.

 

Military men and women who serve in intense combat zones must learn to identify and face up to their experiences from their emotional position if they are to begin to heal. Putting “these feelings into words or some other symbolic expression”, as Bessel van der Kolk asserts, helps complete the story in a restorative manner. Everyone has things they have done that they wish could be forgotten. The problem occurs when we can’t just forget, or the personal blame continues to grow. The burden gets heavier unless some of the weight is released.  We cannot be set free until we understand that we’re not fully responsible for much of the trauma that took place in our lives.

 

As humans, many of us tend to take too much ownership for circumstances that are far beyond our full control. We simply do the best we can, and sometimes that “best” does not feel good enough. Forgiving ourselves is an important step in the healing process. Without personal forgiveness, we hold too much anger, sadness, and anguish in our minds and bodies. It is little wonder we become emotional and physically drained.

 

Realistically, I do not condone the open spilling of our feelings. Sometimes when I have been overly urged to do so, I left the exchange even more vulnerable and irritated. And I definitely did not want to be in the presence of that person anytime soon. It is only when we can begin to share with someone who is open to listening and able to keep our words in confidentiality can we feel safe enough to share our story. Trust is crucial. Patience is necessary. Hope for living a better life is essential.

 

Daniel Siegel writes about the importance of “feeling felt” when sharing emotions. We cannot “feel felt” if, when sharing our stories, we are constantly being interrupted, interrogated for more details, or given advice on how we should or should not have acted or felt. Such disruptions only validate our instincts to suffer in silence. Unfortunately, unspoken suffering only compounds the problem and adds to the burden.

 

The challenge is finding the right person (or people) at the right time to begin your dialogue. For many of us it may or may not be a close family member or friend. Sometimes talking to a reliable “stranger” can bring clarity to our experience.

 

Begin to explore who may be your safe sounding board. In doing so, the weight of your story may begin to diminish. You may just realize that carrying this burden is no longer helpful or necessary. Free yourself of the guilt. Free yourself of the pain. Free yourself of a past that can now be accepted, learned from, and honored.

 

You deserve no less as you live towards that healing place in your mind, heart, and body.

Jul

19

HEALING DAD

Filed Under Combat PTSD, Healing, PTSD, PTSD treatment, Tears of a Warrior, War | Comments Off on HEALING DAD

by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D

 family-nov-2004

            It was Father’s Day and I got to thinking about all of the vets who are fathers and all of the special moments we shared as a family, as well as the times when things weren’t all that peaceful. In our book, Tears of a Warrior, we wrote that the good things far out numbered the bad. Yet, those difficult periods left lasting wounds; wounds that still remind us of the challenges of living with Post Traumatic Stress. Healing the wounds within us and the wounds inflicted on our loved ones can be a life long endeavor – a journey that poses some questions in order to mend the injuries.

 

            First, identify who has been wounded and who do you need to help heal, besides yourself? Which relationships have been most broken by past and/or present actions? These can be spouses, children, siblings, parents, friends, and even co-workers. Identifying your “wounded group” will require a great deal of personal self-reflection and honesty. Not something most of us humans do well. Root-canals are easier to endure than admitting we have verbally harmed someone we care about due our unhealthy behavior.

 

            What exactly needs healing? Things like trust wounds, word wounds, responsibility wounds. What actions impaired the ability of others to trust us? What did we do that makes us question if we can trust ourselves? When have we used words to inflict hurt? Interesting things – words; they can leave wounds that are longer lasting and harder to forget or forgive than many bodily injuries. Unlike physical bruises which can be seen on the outside of our bodies, words bruise the heart in ways that can neither be seen nor easily healed.

 

            If you have been able to get this far, the difficult question of How can I mend these wounds? emerges. It isn’t important to do something huge; start with something simple which may not be all that easy. A phone call, a letter – personally I like Hallmark cards or even the new internet e-cards can be the beginning of saying I’m sorry, or Forgive Me. PTSD has been a bit like the words Jesus used on the cross, “forgive them for they know not what they do”. Because we did not know better, it was hard to do better. Most of us had no idea what PTSD was or how living through war left the veteran with residue that impacted his/her actions for years to come. Now we can get better by knowing more about the demons of combat.

 

            Healing others helps us heal ourselves. It is a way of living forward with hope and personal forgiveness. It may be the only way we can diminish some of the demons allowing us to lead a more productive and peaceful life. Don’t wait another day to give yourself this belated Father’s Day gift. Some who have been wounded by our actions may not be ready or able to give forgiveness. This will be their journey. You can’t force forgiveness, nor can you take responsibility for it once you have assumed ownership of your own past actions. Take a deep breath, make that first step and conquer your fears and procrastinations.

 
          “You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try” (William Shakespeare).

Jul

11

NOW THIS IS RESILIENCE

Filed Under Combat PTSD, Life, PTSD, Tears of a Warrior, War | Comments Off on NOW THIS IS RESILIENCE

 by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D

neptunes-inferno

This is just one story of one veteran who served in World War II. We received it in a letter from a man who is approaching “89 years young”, as he proudly put it. His name is John and he wrote he has “good genes” and is of Irish and French Basque decent. What was so endearing about this letter is that it was type written, well some of it. Halfway through the letter his typewriter tape went out and he had to continue his story handwritten. The picture of this “young” man sitting at his old typewriter skillfully creating his message is really quite precious.

            John’s story is much like countless military veterans. Part of his tale is chronicled in a book by James D. Hornfishcher, Neptune‘s Inferno – the U.S. Navy at Guadalcanal. This particular battle claimed the life of the first two WWII Navy Admirals killed during combat. Because his ship was in enemy territory being stalked by submarines, the rescue ship had to “put him in a metal basket, slung over the side on a long line to a destroyer”. From there he was transported to Fiji for several months of hospitalization. Eventually, John arrived back to the states where he spent over a year in rehab. But this was not the end of his healing journey. After leaving the hospital he was sent to another place in Yosemite National Park which served as a holding location for vets waiting for their discharge papers. Since there was no PTSD ward at the time, John explained, that he was “placed into a long, one room barracks building which was called the All-Messed-Up Ward”.

            When John was injured, he was paralyzed on the entire right side of his body. He could not hear well nor speak much, which he humorously stated “much to the pleasure of the other patients… who wants to hear a US Marine Sergeant yak-yak”.  His leg was severely injured along with loss of part of his skull. Due to his head injury he suffered many years with epileptic seizures. John admits he has struggled with PTSD (as has his brother who also served in the Marine Corp). Yet, throughout his letter there was a theme of humor, courage, and resilience. This combination of personal moral fiber aided him in living a full life.

            One of the last things John wrote, I’m doing quite well, reminded me of the remarkable valor and stamina the vast majority of veterans possess. John wrote to thank us for our book, Tears of a Warrior. He said it helped explain some of what he went through during and after the war. In the end it is we who are honored to hear from someone who has endured so much, given so much in service to his country, and still continues to live with enthusiasm and pride. 

           Tony and I are deeply humbled to hear from individuals like John. It made those long years and challenges of writing our book worth the time and effort.  And we continue to hope and believe that for everyone who has been wounded in any way during service to our country that If we send them, then we must mend them – no matter how long it takes or how much it costs.

          John’s life is a testimonial to all of our military heroes.