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By Janet J. Seahorn Ph.D.

It is the day after January 6, 2021 and I could not sleep no matter how hard I tried.  The thoughts and experiences of this past year and then yesterday were way too vivid.  Even though my family is in good health, the grief and turmoil that so many others have faced and continue to endure can be overwhelming. As a former teacher I worry greatly about all the children in our world and the adult issues they are facing only with the understanding of a young mind. It reminded me of the Christmas letter Virginia O’Hanlon wrote to The New York City Sun, a well read newspaper in 1897.  This is my version as a result of a lack of sleep.

 

Dear Country,

I am an eight year old girl. Some of my friends say there is no longer a United States of America. They say that people are too divided and that we will never come together or agree on anything again. Since my parents state I can no longer rely on some newspapers or television people to tell me the truth I am asking that someone in our country, perhaps even our Supreme Court justices can give me an honest answer.

Yours truly, Virginia

Dear Virginia,

Your friends and even many adults are wrong.  “They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical era.”  They refuse to believe in truth, decency, and goodness even though they know in their hearts what is real or what is false. For some reason, Virginia, you and many of your friends are so much better at deciding truth and accepting each other for who you are rather than how much money you may have, what religion you belong to, or what political ideologies your parents adhere.  Children don’t really care about these things as much as they care about kindness, compassion, and puppies. Many adults have lost their ability to ask questions, to seek what is genuine, to be brave in the challenge of uncertainty, and to trust in hope over fear.  Most children are very smart at questioning everything, being brave, and trusting in things unseen like unicorns and angels.

Yes, Virginia, there is a United States of America. “It exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy.” How discouraging and dangerous our world would be without a United United States of America. There would be no beacon of hope for other people in nations and countries without a strong democracy. There would be no faith that there exists in this world people and nations who value truth, integrity and acceptance of others and who believe all men and women are indeed created equal.

Not to believe in a United States of America would be giving up on peace, light and joy only to have us live in a world filled with hatred, doubt, and darkness.  Not to believe in a United States of America would be to give up trying to understand others, only focus on the act of getting instead of giving. How sad it would be to stop forgiving and only hold on to bitterness. Not to believe in a United States of America would be to forget and dishonor the immense sacrifice so many men, women and families have given over countless wars so that we can be a country that honors the freedom to vote, the freedom to choose our leaders, and the freedom to honor our sacred commitment to equality.

Dear Virginia, in this world there is no greater gift than that of Freedom. No United United States of America would make sure we are no longer a truly great and strong country. No United States of America tells our enemies that we no longer care or stand for the ideals that our forefathers created in our Constitution. Most of all, no United States of America is totally unbearable because our country must always survive in order to ensure the best and most resilient life for you and your friends.

GOD bless you, Virginia, and GOD bless America.

by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D.

There is so much turmoil going on in our country and our world right now. It is hard to find one’s compass to guide us to our best self.  Finding our way through the dark takes a great deal of soul searching, patience, and deep examination of our thoughts, beliefs, and values.  I must admit over the last many months I have often questioned the direction we are all heading, and it scares me more than a little.

A few days ago, needing a change of scenery and a chance to get away from the toxic smoke of several wildfires in our area, my husband and I along with our two energetic black labs took a day trip up to the Snowy Range in southern Wyoming. While driving through Laramie I noticed two large billboards.  One was of Malala Yousafzaui, the young Pakistan teenage girl shot by the Taliban because she was vocal about women’s education; the huge word COURAGE was the message. The second said, “FEAR IS CONTAGIOUS, SO IS HOPE”. Both got me thinking, what else is contagious? What else needs our courage?

 

Joy, laughter and smiles are contagious and need courage to keep us going. Kindness, compassion, and generosity are contagious. Truth, unity, and goodness can be contagious but in these divisive times will take a great deal of courage.  Courage among our leaders to be truthful. Unity to help heal a much divided nation, and Goodness – the goodness and courage it will take every second of every day to keep us grounded in what is important and focused on what is decent.

 

Protecting our environment will take an intense commitment to do what is right for future generations – even when we won’t be around to participate and hopefully enjoy. Speaking up when necessary and staying quiet when appropriate take courage and may help us not focus on creating more FEAR but growing more HOPE.

 

In a time when we are angrier and more divided than ever, what will it take to hold our families, our neighborhoods, our country, and ourselves together? It will take each of us holding a higher standard for ourselves and each other that goes far beyond political beliefs. If we are truly “One Nation Under God” or whoever one might call a higher spirit, we can’t merely say the words; we must ACT and LIVE the words.

Yes, Fear truly is contagious, but for me, I will choose Hope, because this is not my United States of America, this is OUR United States of America.

 

By Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D.

How many of you remember the song, Rainbow Connection, by my favorite green frog, Mr. Kermit?  In a time of necessary isolation and separation we need to work hard to find ways to connect to each other.  Kermit’s song, Rainbow Connection, got me thinking about my own Rainbow Connection. Covid19 has attacked almost every part of our daily existence… our relationships, our jobs, our food sources, our medical care, schools – and the list seems endless. Struggling to maintain any semblance of our pre-covid lives can be exhausting. Grasping to stay attached to our family, friends, coworkers, neighbors can be an emotional combat zone.

During a storm the clouds gather, the skies darken, and often times the winds howl horrifically.  Eventually rain falls, sometimes lightly and sometimes with the force of pelting water bullets that turn into huge hailstones. Yet, after the storm – if we are lucky and continue to look beyond the gale an amazing rainbow appears.  The fractions of light bounce off each raindrop reflecting astonishing and breathtaking colors as a promise of the possibility for new beginning and fresh new starts.

Our tears can be a bit like these raindrops, but the various colors may only be seen in our own minds and hearts.  We experience the colors of grief, of fear, loneliness and anxiety. However, there are also colors of hopefulness, courage, joy, love and clearer skies in the future. What lessons are we learning about each other? Ourselves? Are we able to see ALL of the rainbow or only a small part?

The other day I came across a quote by Haruki Murakami,

“When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

In the song, Kermit talks about being a Lover, a Dreamer, and Me… and the voices calling your name. Perhaps these new voices are what you hear after or even during the storm.  Are you listening?  There is magic in rainbows and we can, if we choose, linger under the glorious and colorful spell of its Vision.  If we look for what may be on the other side, perhaps we can keep that Lover, that Dreamer in us and connect it to others.  Perhaps we are that Rainbow Connection and we are a bit better after the storm than before we went into it.

 

By Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D.

A few weeks ago I wrote a short article on “You Can’t Quarantine Joy”. Little did I know a few weeks later those words would need to not just be remembered but practiced.  They would haunt and humble me. You see, I ended up back in the hospital after several ER visits.  Luckily I only had pneumonia… Ha, Ha…. Only pneumonia and other “stuff” they couldn’t diagnosis. When first admitted I had to spend several hours on the coronavirus ward waiting for my tests results to show that I was safe to be transferred to a “normal” room.  The doctors and nurses were in their protective gear.  The room’s window had been sealed off with a special fan attached that allowed no outside pathogens to escape to the outside environment.

After being transferred to the “safer” ward, I had days to think about my situation and the state of the world.  Watching TV was not an option.  The news was too grim. My grandmother used to say “an idle mind is the devil’s workshop”. It isn’t – it’s more like Dante’s Inferno.  The mind takes you to places you absolutely don’t want to visit. It took every ounce of my energy to try and keep a positive mindset, count my blessings and maintain some form of emotional stability as my body was far from feeling positive.

For those out there, both patient and supporters, here are some things to understand, to consider. First trauma does some interesting things to the mind and body.  It changes you whether you want it to or not. Like a teapot that is designed to let off steam when the water in the pot becomes too hot – we are built in a similar way.  When we get too overwhelmed we need time and space to let out some steam. We need space to scream, shout, cry uncontrollably.   We need our own inner self to process what we’ve been through, to grieve our physical losses and our emotional sufferings.  The energy it requires to constantly stay upbeat takes its toll and becomes crushing. We need moments to recognize and acknowledge that we’ve been through something horrible and we had to do it alone… in a lonely hospital room with no loved one by our side.

Therefore, wonderful and loving supporters don’t try to talk a suffering soul out of his/her trauma.  It is their journey to process it, to deal with the grief and horror of it, to move forward. Please don’t say to the suffering “you’ve got to stay positive… you’ve got to count your blessings….”  Do you think for a moment that we don’t know this, that we aren’t already doing this?  Trust me, we would be happy to have amnesia, wave a magic wand and make all the crap disappear.  Those words of support only make many of us feel guilty, weak, and ashamed to have these feelings. It’s absolutely exhausting to pretend we are great just because we survived.  Give your loved one the gift of a few minutes each day to just BE.  To understand and accept what we’ve been through.  Many of us choose to do this in private, in the quiet of our own thoughts and hearts. What we need from you is trust.  Trust we will get through what we need to get through. Trust that weeping and screaming are just a part of our wounded body and spirit’s healing process. Recognize that part of the trauma may always be a part of us, of our life experience.  Trust we will be OK. You don’t have to talk us through anything.  We just need you to be present, to listen, to hold our hand. Probst once said, “We do not receive wisdom, we discover wisdom within ourselves only after a journey that no one can take for us or with us.”

For all of us, remember we are stronger than we think. We grow braver through our challenges.  We become more compassionate, more grateful, again, not because of what we may have lost but because of what we have endured and learned.  It is good to be like that teapot, knowing we can let off steam when needed and the infusion of our tea tears become sweeter, more poignant.

And through our trauma, we do grow braver.

Thank you to all of our first responders, medical personnel, people keeping our grocery stores open and many others.  There aren’t enough words to express the difference you are making every day.

 

By Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D.

By now everyone reading this blog has heard of Coronavirus or COVID-19. We have seen a huge amount of information that has bombarded our airways, newspapers, businesses, and neighborhoods over the last months. Listening to the news, hearing the concern in many people’s voices led me to address this situation in our blog. Therefore, it is incredibly important to be cautious in determining FACT vs. FEAR.

The only measure that I use to determine the difference is to read, listen and see the information in several different sources… not just relying on the newspaper, the television, even the government or doctors.  If varied sources report the information in a clear and decisive way and I can collaborate the evidence through multiple sources then that data can go into my FACT jar. Some information is so slanted or aligned with radical conspiracy theory, I know it isn’t accurate or is being used to promote a personal agenda.

This is definitely not a time for blame. Things happen in life that are unpredictable and scary and certainly blame does not solve the problem. Blame only keeps us from addressing reality and the root cause of the problem.  Because the COVID-19 is new, we don’t have enough solid knowledge about what it is, how it is transmitted, how long it will last or how it can be successfully treated.  As a researcher, the only way we will get this information is through time, watching, listening, making comparisons with various groups, countries, and medical personnel to determine how best to combat this  illness. As humans we don’t like NOT KNOWING everything about what is dangerous.  We often make things up just so we feel comfortable or empowered.  Not a good strategy at all.

In early January I became very ill due to a severe reaction to an infusion I was being administered for pain.  It literally tanked my immune system.  I have had a sore throat and laryngitis for over seven weeks (think my husband and dogs are using this as an excuse for not “hearing” me).  I have had more doctor appointments than I want to count including a stay in the hospital and ICU because I became dehydrated and my blood pressure became dangerously low.  I am definitely in that “high risk” group due to having a very low immune system.   Even with this risk I am not panicked.  I have a healthy concern to be aware of when and where I go every day, but I refuse to not see each day as a gift to enjoy and use.

On my computer I have had two sayings for the last many years:

“I don’t want to not live in fear of what could happen.” Laird Hamilton

FEAR – False Expectations Appearing Real… Meet fear with love and trust and it will disappear.  Old Crone Cards

It is important to remember this illness is not an American, Chinese, Italian or other country’s problem, it is a world problem.  When we work together, when we show kindness and compassion to others, when we do whatever we can to support our neighbors and community, then and only then will we be able to move forward with confidence and courage to get through this period of unrest and anxiety.

Stay healthy, both physically and emotionally.

 

By Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D.

 

Recently I bought a WMD (Weapon of Mass Destruction).  It was something Tony and I have discussed and thought about for a very long time.  Getting a hold of a WMD can be expensive and usually requires some research about the seller, type, even color.  There are days I question my decision as well as my sanity.  Was this choice a wise move or one made in a moment of weakness or total impulsiveness?

My home has been transformed into a combat zone.  I can’t leave for even a few minutes or the destruction could be massive.  This weapon can’t be left alone for any length of time.  It must stay in a secure and yet environmentally comfortable space.  Neighbors and friends sometimes stop over just to get a peek at it.  Some admire it and others are afraid to get too close just in case it might detonate itself. Some may also wonder why I would get such an item at my age and stage in life.  There are days I ask myself the same question; other times I merely feel bad that they don’t possess such a handsome and amazing weapon.

The weapon often gives me a sense of comfort just to know it is there, to touch it, to think about its remarkable potential. I may have failed to mention that even though my WMD is pretty wonderful it was and is not inexpensive. Proper nutrition, check-ups to make sure it is in tip top working condition, enough exposure to clean air, etc.   Trooper, Tony’s service dog often wonders why we ever brought such an item into our peaceful home.  He wants to know if and when we might take it back. You see, Trooper has to watch it very carefully just in case it explodes as it frequently does at any unexpected moment.  He never had to put up with such an object even when he was being raised in prison and his training never included how to deactivate such a WMP.

By now you may be guessing what I’m talking about, or you may know exactly what I’m describing. It has four-legs, a silky black coat, incredibly sharp baby teeth that can shred a stuffed toy or slipper in a matter of minutes. This four-legged, miniature tornado has wallpapered my front room with toilet paper reminding me of the shenanigans we did in high school when we toilet papered friends’ trees leaving them to clean up after our mess.  Maybe he is retribution for my younger days.  Even with all of these challenges this WMP is so friggin adorable especially when he is asleep.  We even gave him a name, Brody… short for brother.

It is fascinating how we can so totally love this destructive little ####.  Tony sometimes asks why Trooper is such a super sweet, well-behaved young man. I remind him Trooper was raised in prison where there weren’t a lot of opportunities for a puppy to get into trouble. There were no kitchen counters with food where he could have managed to remove the yummy contents.  Probably there weren’t many smelly slippers to destroy, and if you misbehave there may have been bigger consequences.  WOW…. Maybe I can send Brody to jail for at least a year of training. Confinement might not be as exciting for him, but it would give us a much needed rest.  Trooper is extremely in favor of this idea.

Guest post by Lisa Drossert

The following was on one of our friend’s Facebook post. It is very thoughtful advice and may help some of you to get through the holiday season with better understanding of what is going on in some veterans’ mind. Thank you Lisa Drossart for sharing this information.

If you have a Combat Veteran in your family and you don’t like their moods and behavior around the holidays; please consider these six things:

1.) Your combat veteran has served in countries where people are blessed to receive a tattered pair of shoes or have clean water to drink; he/she no longer lives the “first world illusion” and no longer cares that if you buy one play station you can get a second one for fifty percent off. In fact, they find it hard to appreciate any of the gluttonous commercialism and overindulgence that permeates American holidays. Standing watch, boring as it was, had so much more purpose than going to the mall.

2.) Your Combat Veteran is thankful for the most basic things; not thankful for mega-sales and million dollar parades. They are thankful to be alive; thankful to have survived both the wars far away and the wars they struggle with inside.

3.) Your Combat Veteran is thankful that it wasn’t them that got killed, or wishes that it was them that got killed instead, or is torn painfully between the two. Either way, their celebrations are forever complicated by guilt and loss over those that did not come home. Some of the most thankful times in their life (lucky to be alive) were some of the scariest. Their feelings of thanks and celebration often conjure memories that are equally painful.

4.) Your Combat Veteran is not like you anymore. At some point, for some period of time, their entire life boiled down to just three simple things: when will I eat today, when will I sleep today, and who will I have to kill or who will try to kill me today? They are not like you anymore.

5.) Your Combat Veteran does not need a guilt-trip or a lecture; they already feel detached in their grief while others so easily embrace the joy of the season. They need understanding and space; empathy not sympathy.

6.) Your Combat Veteran does love his/her family and is thankful for the many blessings in their life…and they are thankful for you.

 

 

By Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D

 

 

by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D

It isn’t easy to move forward in life when you seem trapped by events that happened in the past. Often times the harder you try to get unstuck, the more bound you become to that very past. So how does one resolve such a dilemma? It probably won’t be without effort, time, and even some painful moments.

In the book/movie, The Shack, the lead character is tormented by an unimaginable personal tragedy. No matter how hard he tries to move forward beyond his pain and horrendous memories, he can’t. Being caught in a terrible incident he is unable to see past his pain to the extent that very little joy or happiness can enter his life. In order to heal he is forced to go back to the place (the shack) where he got stuck; the place where the horror, the anguish, and the future was taken from him.

I think this is what Tony was doing when he decided to return to Vietnam.  In order to heal more completely he made a choice to go back to the place where he became stuck, a space that over the last many decades unconsciously became his “shack”. Since his military service in Vietnam he has worked incredibly hard to move beyond the memories and the demons, but there were still times when the burden of combat obscured his vision and ability to live fully.  As part of the healing process he had to exhume the old earth in order to plant and allow for new growth to occur. He will be explaining more in his future blogs.

Toward the end of the movie there was a beautiful metaphor about life.  A truism that most of us already know…. life is not neat or precisely organized.  It is messy, bumpy, and often unbalanced. Yet, it is this very assortment of messiness and disorder that make us who we are and who we can become if we are brave enough to return to our “shack”  to become unstuck.

So what is your “shack”? What might you do to become “unstuck: (that doesn’t mean you have to physically return to a specific location to heal). Just know that this “becoming unstuck” will most likely not be easy, orderly, or without some deep potholes. It is a journey, like Tony, you may need to take alone. However, the reality is that you will not be totally on your own. Like Tony you will have the thoughts, prayers, and support of family and friends that will accompany you in spirit and hope.

by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D

 

It is easy to see what courage looks like.  We observe it in the acts of those who, in spite of intense danger or inconceivable suffering, or endless determination, an individual continues to live on. To move forward.  We see it in the movies where it makes us feel safe and in control in events we know we may never survive.

But what does courage sound like? Does it reveal itself in words, in songs, in other types of media?  Perhaps real courage sounds like Silence.  The silence of grief that cannot be expressed in words.  The silence of a heart being shattered.  The silence of hidden tears and silent screams.

And what does courage feel like?  It may be different for every person, yet, individually it contains some singular similarities. Our feelings, much like hearing, is silent beyond ourselves.  Emotions, an element of feelings, come at anytime, day or night.  It cannot be quantified, perhaps because we may not be able to find a beginning or end in its infinitesimal existence.  You see, feelings go beyond emotions. They are deeper, often jumbled together with anger, love, gratitude and sadness.  We feel what we feel.  Attempting to put feelings into words can be exhausting, exasperating, and mostly ineffective.

Courage, like feelings and hearing is also Silent. It is very much present. There is both a sweetness and bitterness in courage. The sweetness of living through a reality that many may never experience.  The bitterness resulting from that very same experience.  It is not about the “why me”, “how come”, or “what ifs” of suffering. Simply having the courage to accept the experience for what it is— an experience that changes a person from the before to the now – and beyond.

We spend too much time trying to define/identify courage. Most results are superficial at best.  For if, as I believe, courage is found only in the Silence… the empty spaces between the noise and what is seen, heard, and felt.  We often miss or mistakenly identify courage.  Its potential seed lives in most of us, yet, it can only be germinated when or if the time presents itself.  For some of you reading this piece may think, “What the heck is she rambling about?”  For others, those who have lived the courage, you may only nod your head and silently say “true”.

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