by Janet J. Seahorn

How can we talk about PTSD as a family?

Gosh, this is a tricky question with an even trickier answer.  As we have discussed in most of the prior questions, the first step is to acknowledge that upon returning from combat things aren’t quite normal.  Become informed about the signs and symptoms of PTSD.  Be honest as much as you can about what each of you is feeling.  As the service person, you don’t have to go into all of the horrible details of your experiences, but you do and will need to discuss the truth that your military life in a combat zone may have been pretty distressing; that what you saw and did was often unsettling. 

As the significant other or spouse, your role initially is to just listen.  Try not to ask too many questions.  Sometimes it may seem you are prying.  Try and wait a bit before going into the details.  But it is crucial, as a family, to talk.  Silence is simply not an option.  It creates distance by making assumptions about behaviors that may not be accurate.

In our book, we describe an incident where a young man who had been in several roadside bombings returned home from Iraq. On a quiet Saturday afternoon, the family decided to take a trip out of town to a favorite shopping center.  It was to be a fun outing of togetherness.  Things were going well until the young family came to bridge where a man waving for help was standing by the roadside next to a car with a flat tire. The wife suggested they stop and help, however, the young serviceperson immediately turned his vehicle around in the middle of the road, angrily stomped on the gas and headed home. Not knowing what was happening, the wife assumed her husband was acting unreasonably. It was a silent ride back to town. The young vet never told his wife what was going on in his mind. Later, during his scheduled visit to his VA counselor he retold the story. He knew his wife and children were upset with him for ruining their fun afternoon. However, what he saw was not an ordinary man with a flat tire needing help. What his mind and body saw and felt was a possible setup for an IED (Improvised Explosive Device). He had seen this many times during his tour of duty in Iraq. He had two thoughts to keep his family out of harms way:  1) He could shoot the “terrorist” standing on the roadside, or 2) He could, without delay, get his family away from the danger zone. Understanding that shooting the “threat” was probably not the best decision, he chose option two. Makes perfect sense, but without talking he went home angry and upset. And his family had no clue as to what had just occurred.

In our book we advise “If you care, you share”. Sharing creates understanding. Understanding generates compassion. And compassion establishes hope and protects the relationship. 

Another word of advice about discussing a concern:  Never try and sit down to talk over an issue when one or both parties are in a full pitch of rage or anger. You can’t stop a charging bear… it is already on a mission to attack. You must wait until tempers are calmer and conditions settle down enough to have a reasonably calm and “adult” discussion. If a blaming game begins, stop immediately. Blaming never solves the problem; it only throws more fuel on a hot fire. Use “I” statements such as, “I start to feel afraid when I see you getting angry and I don’t understand why?” or “It is hard for me to go to family events without you. I miss doing things together and want to know what I can do to make it OK for you to attend some of our family get-togethers.”  

Most of our family conversations, once we began to understand what we were facing, resulted in a compromise that everyone could agree would make the situation better for all involved. We now try not to live on assumptions by doing a reality check with the person. For family events, every person becomes responsible for him or herself. Sometimes my husband chooses downtime away from a houseful of noisy people. He goes to a quiet room to watch TV or read a book while the rest of us play a rowdy game of Pictionary or Shout It Out. This is a Win/Win for everyone and is absolutely acceptable behavior.

by Janet J. Seahorn

You hear stories about the patriotism of small town USA. The way the community comes together as a single entity to honor its military - those individuals who have served our country. The events always include a bit of flag waving and back patting, “Thank you for your service”. This Memorial Day we had the honor to experience one such town. This is a town, Evanston, Wyoming, which far exceeded any story or past city we have visited. 

It was early Sunday evening when we arrived in Evanston. Tony was asked to be the guest speaker at their annual Memorial Day event. We had just returned the day before from Europe. Both of us were more than a bit jet lagged, and I was secretly wishing I was sleeping in my comfy bed back home and wondering what the heck we were thinking when we first accepted the speaking engagement.

As we drove through the streets around town, we noticed flags flying from bridges, street corners, store shops, and of course homes. More flags than we have ever seen. The cemetery was filled with flags and brightly colored flower arrangements. A motorcycle bike rally made the atmosphere even more charged.

Then we passed a truly humbling sight, the town’s monuments set right in the center of the Court House and Civic Center.  Monuments that went way back to the Civil War. The most interesting two tributes were to the Korean and Vietnam conflicts. These were modeled after the Vietnam Wall in Washington D.C. What made them unique, however, was the black granite slabs held the names of every resident of the county who served in the war zone, not just the names of those who had died. The words carved into one stature said it well, “All gave some; some gave all”. Wow! We have never seen a town where every military person was acknowledged. You could trace the heritage of the community’s military generations from WW I forward. Many families had at least four or more last names engraved on each monument. So much sacrifice for a household to bear.

As we listened to the Memorial Day speeches, watched the presentation of flags honoring all military branches, including a flag for the POWs and the MIAs,  heard the hallowed sounds of the bagpiper bellowing Amazing Grace, and viewed the solemn and appreciative faces of the people, it was a “lump in the throat” experience. Yes siree, Evanston, Wyoming is truly one of America’s most patriotic towns. It was obvious that such gratitude is a daily way of life, not merely a one day event. They live the words, God Bless America, and God Bless those who serve her mission of freedom and liberty for all.

Thank you for sharing your patriotic spirit with us and showing the world that honor, integrity, and flag waving are not political statements, but a way to demonstrate respect for the sacrifice given by the few, so that the many can live in a land of abundance and independence.

-by Janet J. Seahorn

 

            Gosh, can you believe it is Easter/Passover and once again families gather to celebrate the spirit of the season. Many will also hunt Easter eggs, gorge on chocolate bunnies, and enjoy family dinner and getting together.  This is a time to rejoice, but can also be a time of turmoil. There is ample opportunity for our Snotty Vets to practice breathing, self-control, and “looking” cheerful - even if it’s only a facade.  Today I woke with the children’s rhyme of “Here Comes Peter Cotton Tale”, but instead of the regular words this is what came to mind:

Here comes Peter Cotton Tail

Hopping down the combat trail,

Hippity, Hoppity, Demons on the way. 

            Yikes!  How weird is that!  Yet, the reality is many people who have suffered severe trauma find holidays incredibly challenging.  When everyone around appears to be laughing, enjoying company, having a great time, for some with experiences of trauma, all this joy may simply exacerbate the feeling of depression and isolation.  You desperately want to join in the festivities and you desperately want to feel normal.  So the downward spiral continues.

            Last blog I wrote about Snotty Fish and Snotty Vets.  In reflection I remembered past family gatherings where my Snotty Vet tried anxiously to fit into the interactions.  He participated gallantly until it got to be too much, which is when the teapot began to spout.  Too much steam building in a confined container and something has to give.   If only we had known about PTSD, its effects and ways of coping, family gatherings could have been much saner and safer for everyone.

            Therefore, here are a few suggestions that have worked for us.  We discovered these over many years of observing roller-coaster emotions.

1. Don’t try and force your Snotty Vet to participate more than he/she is able. 
2. Allow them to swim in whatever pond helps them to feel safe and calm. 
3. Plan the loud festivities that can be annoying for many - not just Snotty Vets - to be in places that are outside or in very large surroundings.  By being smart, it reduces the tension and permits everyone a chance to find areas that aren’t so irritating. 
4. Be thoughtful about the length of time anyone has to spend taking part in the activities.
5. Be sure to find a good balance in how you celebrate. Be reflective and enjoy some quiet time as well.

Oh, and be sure to have a Happy Easter/Passover.  Celebrations are still important to cherish.  They can be the occasions that help us bond more tightly and even heal a bit.

And be sure to be kind to bunnies that wear combat boots.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

by Janet Seahorn

At first it appeared to be an ordinary Thursday evening in mid-February.  The soldiers of battles-past gathered at the new Fort Collins Vet Center for their weekly group meeting with the professional VA Staff.

They draw together to heal wounds that occurred long ago in a land far from home.  Wounds acquired from serving in Vietnam - a war where few were honored for their personal sacrifice for their country.  The veterans meet to try and understand why their scars linger and are still so painful after so many years.  And they meet to try and find a sense of recognition of what each has experienced in life - both past and present.

It was on this night that several Fort Collins community members presented a “Quilt of Valor” to those warriors who gave much and were given little in return. Through their generous donations, the community was able to acquire a special hand-made quilt for the presentation.

The quilt was one small way of saying “Thank you for your service and sacrifice”.  And, maybe, the quilt would become a symbol of comfort, hope, and honor.  This particular comforter was carefully crafted by Donna Roche and the Quilters of Rogers, Arkansas.  Her group has assembled and mailed over 700 similar quilts to wounded warriors in hospitals in Iraq, Afghanistan, Germany and the United States.  Ms. Roche and her group explain the Quilt of Valor in this manner:

“The Quilt of Valor is our wounded warrior award for service, sacrifice and valor in the line of duty. It is our way of saying “Thank you for your service - you have not been forgotten.” Many caring souls are involved in making the quilts; from contributing quilt blocks, finishing the tops, and integrating each section into the final product. Each special quilt receives a “Quilt of Valor” label thanking the injured warrior for his/her dedication and sacrifice. The label contains the name of those involved in the making of each caring blanket.”

The Quilt of Valor is in fact a symbol of renewal.  It transforms the hands of war’s destruction through the caring quilter’s fingers of each blanket’s construction.  It shifts the heart from the darkness of combat to the light of a kinder future.  And, hopefully it moves the experiences of combat trauma to a quieter sense of peace.

On this Thursday evening, warriors who were never honored finally have their Quilt of Valor.  The gratitude in their teary eyes, said it all.  Perhaps, after all these years, others do care.  Perhaps, there is now a sense of acknowledgement of what these warriors gave without hesitation.  You see, it is never too late to say thank you, and the heart is never too old to feel the warmth of such a genuine gesture.

Hard to believe that another Christmas season is now upon us.  The beautiful lights and carols, the festive decorations, the fun of being with family and friends, and the craziness of shopping that can be more NO, NO, NO, than HO, HO, HO.

With all of the splendor and frenzied activities of the holidays, PTSD and dealing with other wounds of war can be a daunting challenge for many vets. 

There is this incredible Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde phenomenon that occurs for many this time of year.  The joy of being home with loved ones along with the constant struggle to breathe through the nightmares and panic attacks. 

Crowded shopping centers, constant bustle everywhere, and traffic jams that defy the patience of the calmest celestial being are not so wonderful for frayed and fragile nerves.

Perhaps the only gift many of our wounded warriors pray for is Peace.  Peace on Earth, Peace across all continents, and most of all, Peace within oneself. 

It is for this reason that we created a special tribute to our veterans and their families.  During this blessed Holiday Season, let us take a few moments to remember the sacrifice of our military - both past and current - and their families. 

May each night truly be a peaceful Silent, Holy Night. 

Click on the link below to view our special Christmas tribute.

 

 

 

 

 Wednesday was Veteran’s Day.  A twenty-four hour period where Americans are supposed to stop at some time during those hours to honor and reflect on the sacfrices made by our veterans so that others can live in a free and democratic country.  Truly, I don’t know how many Americans did this… With the busyness of daily life, I didn’t see much evidence that many knew the honorary day existed.  Yet, across the nation there many observances.

In our home we did something uniquely special.  Something we have never done before, nor will we do again. The event was a culmination of several months of planning. 

It included the thoughtfulness and generosity of family members and close friends, along with the sewing fingers of  the Caring Quilters of “The Rabbit’s Lair” in Rogers, AR.  Contributers are Betty Hayes, Marguerite Steiner, Nancy White and Patty Wilhelm and machine quilted by Donna Roche. All are dedicated to making a difference with the  ”Quilts of Valor”. 

It was a secret for Tony, which took a great deal of evasive action and patience to execute.  In honor of all vets, we took this day to symbolize such respect by paying tribute to one.  Inviting several neighbors to share the evening, we ate a light dinner, then watched the touching movie, Taking Chance, the true story of a twenty-year old Marine who died in Iraq.  The movie chronicled the journey of Chance Phelps from Iraq to his family burial place in Dubois, Wyoming.  http://www.hbo.com/films/takingchance/

One member this evening, a former marine who flew helicopters in Vietnam, shared how, while he was waiting for his overseas assignment, was given the duty of informing two families of their loved ones’ death.  It was information he had never shared with any of us before and we could tell that the memory still remained with him.

At the very end of the evening, we surprised Tony with his own Quilt of Valor.  Needless to say, he was speechless and quite humbled.  You see, he understood that this distinctive comforter of courage was not just for him, but for every wounded warrior from every war past and present.  So Thank You every veteran for your sacrifice and service.  We hold you warmly in our hearts and minds, not just on November 11, but every day of every year.

Veteran’s Day, November 11, 2009

Following is a guest post from some dear friends. Thanks to all veterans on this day and every day!  Lest we forget, “Freedom Isn’t Free”

Post by Larry & Nancy Thoney:

Battered & Tattered, Yet, How Proudly It Waves!

 

 While traveling across the Navajo Reservation in the Monument Valley in AZ last winter, we saw an American flag flying in spite of what had obviously been some very hard times.  It was symbolic and we had to have that picture!

The ragged, tattered old flag reminds us of our country and the fact that it has also been through some trials and tribulations, but never-the-less our life style and independence have prevailed.  The reason our flag has continued to fly proudly, in spite of all, is largely because of the sacrifices of Veterans such as yourself.

Thanks so much for your contributions.   We Americans are forever grateful!

Happy, Healthy Trails to you and yours.

Two Appreciative Americans,

Larry and Nancy Thoney

 

 

Post by Janet J. Seahorn:

Today is Wednesday, November 11, 2009… Veteran’s Day.  Be sure to say thank you to every veteran you meet; not just today, but often.  Be sure to let them know how much you appreciate their sacrifice for our country.  A sacrifice that allows you and your family to live in peace and pursue your dreams of prosperity and happiness.  Be sure you say an extra prayer for the families of our troops who are far from home in harms way.  And may you live your life making a similar selfless commitment on behalf of others you may never know or meet.

 

Josh Groban in his song, You Raise Me Up, says it nicely. 

 

You Raise Me Up 

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary

When troubles come and my heart burdened be.

Then, I am still and wait here in the silence

Until you come and sit a while with me.

 

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains

Your raise me up, to walk on stormy seas

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders

You raise me up… to more than I can be.

 

  Thanks to you, members of our military, you have raised us up higher than we could ever be without your contribution to freedom and liberty for all. 

  

God Bless America and God Bless our Veterans!

 

 

 

 

 

 

RED FRIDAYS —– You will begin seeing a great many people wearing Red every Friday.

 The reason?

Americans who actively support our troops used to be called the ’silent majority’. We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for God, country and home in record breaking numbers. 

We are not organized, boisterous or over-bearing. We get little media coverage on TV, to reflect our message or our opinions.

 Many Americans, like you, me and our friends, simply want to recognize that the vast majority of Americans support our troops. 

Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts on Friday - and continues each and every Friday until the troops come home from war.

Every red-blooded American who supports our men and women afar should consider wearing something red.

A bunch of us are doing this. 

Please join us.

 

The 15th annual Colorado Independent Publishers Association (CIPA) EVVY Book Awards Banquet was held Saturday March 28th. Tears of a Warrior won two awards. Tears of a Warrior won 1st Place EVVY Award (overall book design, writing, editing and production) in the Non-Fiction/Experiences category. Authors Tony and Janet Seahorn had a previously scheduled engagement and were not able to attend the event but they were both very honored to receive the award. Karen Saunders, owner of MacGraphics Services accepted on their behalf. Graphic designer Kerrie Lian won a 2nd Place Tech award for her compelling book cover design. Kerrie also designed the interior of the book. Karen Reddick contributed with editing and Mary Walewski is working with the authors in marketing the book. (buythebookmarketing.com)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 (Left) Karen Saunders, founder MacGraphics Services & Kerrie Lian, graphic designer

 

 

 

 

If you missed Janet and Tony’s interview today on Castle Rock Radio’s “Walking the Walk,” and “Getting Your Life Back,” click here to go to Castle Rock Radio’s website: http://castlerockradio.com/pages/page.asp?page_id=47571

Hosts: Lorin & Dixie Ricker

The download links are under the Media category on the left.